Simply..the reality check...

27/2/2020

I want to work again but have I got time?

I have been rethinking some practical things which take up a lot of my time and energy.

I pay someone to cut the grass and hedges now. I have withdrawn from the Open Gardens scheme as I can no longer keep the garden to that high standard. I feed the birds with only one feeder fixed to the window. I pay to have the outside of the windows washed once a month.

My late hustband (first time I have used that phrase - he was actually never late!) did a lot around the place. He cooked, shopped when he went swimiming which was three times a week, he gardened and stacked wood and brought in logs and fixed things and set mouse traps and took things to the recycling. When I could no longer drive because of my eye condition he drove me to the ferry and was there to meet me when I came back, and willingly took me wherever I wanted to go, he delivered paintings to galleries and, and, and....

I now do the work of two people. I am not feeling sorry for myself I am just saying that's how it is. That's the reality.

These are the practicalities. I haven't mentioned the fun outings, the shared meals and coffee breaks, the conversations, the love and the laughter. But that's a whole other story.

The point I want to make is that Barry generously gave me time to paint and to write. I want to paint again and have committed myself to a solo exhibition, so I must figure out how to get back to work and keep the house and garden going.

Something will have to give.

When circumstances change we have to change too.

Barry would also have got rid of that dead mouse in the cupboard! And climbed into the loft to find the source of the mysterious stain on the bedroom ceiling.

Off to do it now!

Any practical tips from readers who have experienced big changes in their circumstances most welcome....it is truly amazing how adaptable we are, don't you think?

14 Comments

cath

27/2/2020 08:31:08 am

After that car had hit mine I spent a very long time reaching over the break it caused in my life. Trying to retrieve and restore what was. I tried every possible way. What I didn't know at the time (couldn't have known) was that the accident not only changed my health, my priorities, my social network, my career, my daily life, my dreams, it profoundly changed me as well.
And today, as much as I miss the dialogue with my clients and I probably always will, it is okay that this is not 'my work' anymore.

I do hear your question and take it very seriously, yet to me it cannot be answered on the level of 'have I got time'. It is about choices in what to invest your time. If painting and writing is what makes your heart sing, if it is your soul's calling and the very precious way you both express yourself and contribute to beauty on this planet, time and planning will follow. Because you want it to.

I am aware I don't offer you any practical tips. As much as I empathise with your question, I can't not now, not yet. Your new path after your life-changing loss will unfold one step at the time initiated by the changed you. And it is only you who knows deep down inside which gift this changed you will bring to the world.

julia

27/2/2020 09:44:22 am

Freda, your tender confessions about your own life, and cath’s breath-taking and incredibly wise response are gifts to all of us... you are both treasures in our lives. Holding you both in my heart while you navigate this part of your journey...xoxoxox

Lotta

27/2/2020 01:10:11 pm

I wrote three responses to your post this morning Freda and deleted them all partly because I couldn't find the right words to say what I wanted to say, and partly because I felt reluctant today to revisit my own vulnerable times of adjustment. Now I'm glad I waited because Cath has written so beautifully and so much of what she says reflects my feelings and experiences too.

On a practical note... I've lived on my own for a long time and whilst it can be hard work, I don't feel I am doing the work of two people. But I have been living a one person life for years and years and I think it takes time to alter your own perceptions of what is truly necessary and important to you. And to abandon some of society's expectations that sneak their way into our consciousness and pretend to be ours. I certainly don't have it all sorted out, but I am learning that I would rather live and work in accordance with what calls my heart than have a beautifully scrubbed kitchen floor. Sometimes we just can't have it all, and I would rather look back on years of joyful creative work than memories of a well vacuumed house or tidy garden. And yes both would be great, but I find that if I let my passions lead for a while and let everything else slide, then at some point there is a lull in creative output and I can catch up on the more mundane chores. Trust your own natural flow... heart not head! It sounds as though Barry prioritised what was important to you and so perhaps that is your answer, and the rest will work itself out or be left with joyful abandon along the way.
And here's a thought... maybe instead of flylady you could become butterfly lady... landing only very briefly on the things you need to do to keep yourself alive and healthy and sane, but then stunning the world with your beautiful wings and colours, and neither you nor anyone else will notice the things left undone... :-)

Lucille

2/3/2020 12:19:05 am

I love the image of the butterfly lady Lotta. I have always found the fly lady such an off putting website name!

Mary

27/2/2020 01:51:45 pm

Even after thinking long and hard about your post all day, I find I can only add my respect and admiration for what Cath and Lotta have shared in their comments. xo

Viv link

27/2/2020 03:58:58 pm

In July I will have been away from the workplace for 2 years - I still can't call it retirement! We are far busier now with less time to pursue any hobbies than when we both worked. We seem to give our time away. I too am looking for answers and ones that will not only benefit us but also keep my growing family with the help they seem to need at the moment.

Rosemary

28/2/2020 03:38:54 am

I am in a similar situation to Freda. It is very easy to become stressed and overwhelmed when you're faced with a serious amount of maintenance and admin. At the moment I'm approaching the issue from the angle of reducing stress. I only have commonsense to offer on this, and acknowledge that whatever ideas I have are 'old history' to most of you.
1. Do not put things off. Keep petrol topped up. Advance request medication. Bulk shop any groceries that will keep. If you don't use a car, order online once a month. Pay bills when they come, deal with admin as soon as you can bear to. I have found that not doing these things only ups the angst.
2. Keep a supply of 1st & 2nd class stamps, ( for painless paying credit cards) ,greetings cards, envelopes.
3. Turn some flower beds to lawn. Turn some lawn to meadow. Think about paving and gravel.
4. Guests. Ask any willing guests ( eg your kids) to strip and re-make their beds before they leave. When they've gone put the room to rights and shut the door. Ditto any bathroom/en suite not in daily use.
5. Old favourite: de-clutter.

This is a poor and plainly obvious list - which leads me to think that someone smarter than I am has some better ideas .

julia

28/2/2020 05:00:29 am

Freda and all,
As i have reread these incredible responses today, what came to mind, and is not mentioned here, is how overwhelming it can feel to be “in charge” or everything. To be keeping all the issues in mind all the time. No one to help make decisions, like which contractor to hire for that new roof. Or is it time to review the house insurance? And where do i start with that? Is my pension invested with a safe firm? And what to do about that mouse?! Or even what paint color to choose for the sitting room. Or where to go on vacation. Or do “we” have enough money to go on vacation? My friends who are newly single, or even those who have been single for many years, describe this part of it as sometimes being very overwhelming. I imagine that could be when one might especially feel they are doing to work of two people! This is what i hear from them most often. And also the sense that it feels risky to make the wrong choice once we are retired. There is no more money coming in. So it’s all on one set of shoulder to make the correct choice, every time! Huge...

Lucille

2/3/2020 01:01:22 am

Yes I hear this too. Making decisions alone and having to remember everything must be exhausting. I can well imagine this. Offloading is no longer possible and so all the work is internalised. And for some of us, the work is wholly unfamiliar, whether it be financial control or meal preparation, house maintenance or laundry management! Self reliance is an underdeveloped life skill for so many of us. We let whole areas of our ability to live successfully atrophy because there is someone else willing or seemingly more able to take on the job.

Susan Dorset

28/2/2020 06:38:28 am

I find everyone's suggestions here (psychological, practical, metaphysical), very helpful personally. Thank you.

Freda, my thoughts for you are:
Start from where you are now, with an open mind.
Do you truly long to paint and write, or do you feel that you ought to long to?
Are other new passions are emerging in you?

If you do yearn to paint and write, structure your weeks with protected time slots: no too long e.g. 2 of 3-hour mornings per week.
Begin preparatory sketching, colour mixing, story-structuring, idea jottings or just sit in your studio or at your writing desk.
Let go of the outcome.
Don't feel obliged to do the solo exhibition unless it fills you with joy.

On a practical note, structure protected time for admin e.g 1 day per week.
Make your practical obligations as easeful as possible, around the core of your life, which is your creative life e.g. if funds permit, employing a cleaner and handy-person once in a while.

Any poor soul who enters my home, is usually invited to assist me with a physical task with which I would struggle alone, and often asked for their opinion on all matter of subjects. Generally, people have been delighted to be generous, and I've had excellent advice from surprising sources.
Hope ' these ideas help. Love, Susan

Linda

28/2/2020 09:21:38 am

I've been medically retired for over 20 years, and it took some adjusting to, finding I could no longer keep on top of everything and watching the dust pile up, so I do know how you feel. Unlike your Barry, my husband does not see the things that need doing, and I hate having to ask all the time - it feels too much like nagging, and he works hard anyway. So I try to ignore things like the kitchen floor!! He does do the food shopping, which I've always hated, so I'd opt for online/delivery on that.

There are some things that I have found that work, though.
I paint, and I like to get in a few good hours every morning, so my target is 10.30am start in my studio. If I can fit in some short household tasks before then, fine. This would be paying bills time too.

Trust that there will be 'down days'. Like you, I live in a high rainfall area, so when light levels are not good and I cannot paint. Those are the days for catching up on laundry, cleaning the cooker etc.

Gardening for me tends to be a late afternoon activity - deadhead the roses, water the veg and greenhouse, potter for a while. It's relaxing after the intensity of morning painting. Don't keep at it until you are too tired though.

I think what I'm getting at is putting your energy in what sparks joy in you, to use Kondo-speak. A few good hours of painting will be so satisfying, the rest should fall into place. Don't wear yourself out with practicalities first and then find you are too tired to paint.

Freda

28/2/2020 12:38:15 pm

I find myself lost for words (unusual I know!).
Compassion, generosity, wisdom and common sense in your comments. Inspiring and uplifting, and I think you for sharing.

There are many ideas I had not thought of and my responses will no doubt trickle through in later blog posts, so forgive me for not answering individually just now.
Warm jugs
Freda

Freda

3/3/2020 12:33:06 pm

Hope you all had a chuckle at my typo - warm jugs? !

julia

3/3/2020 02:06:36 pm

I saw it and had a terrific laugh, Freda...i think we should all adopt it as our secret “freda-society” greeting...:-) jugs back atcha one and all!

Simply..the reality check...

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