Simply..agoraphobia?

29/10/2020

'Agoraphobia-of-the-spirit' said Gwendoline in her comment on this post. What a brilliant expression for what is happening to many of us.

I found myself hesitating (momentarily) to publish the post about my exhibition visit yesterday. Not wanting to put myself out there, open to criticism and judgement. Feeling the need to explain myself and justify my trip. Fearing disapproval.

I went into town on the bus (I have no other means of transport). The buses are super-clean but freezing as all the windows are kept open! There is hand sanitiser, everyone wore a mask and socially distanced. Part way there the heavens opened and the windoscreen wipers were going full pelt and I thought 'I have a lovely cosy fire at home, why am I doing this?

However the rain eased and I got to the Burgh Hall cafe and a warm welcome, a bowl of spiced pumpkin soup and very pretty fresh flower table decorations (and name and contact number taken, hand sanitizing etc etc etc). The background buzz of conversation was delightful, the soup was delicious, and I began to relax.

The small exhibition was beautifully presented, with good information and I became thoroughly absorbed in it. That was why I was doing this!

I thanked the staff in the cafe and told them how much I loved the flowers, I sent an eamil to the organisers of the exhibition congratulating them, I told the bus driver how much I appreciate our wonderful bus service. I am so grateful for the effort all the people who are still working put in to make us safe and happy! I try to separate my reality from the media reality (I know that statement needs a lot more explanation - I'm still thinking through what I mean by it!).

Meanwhile, we all withdraw to a greater or lesser degree it seems. Blogs and Facebook posts gone or diminished, longer delays in replying to emails - no bad thing perhaps, numbers of readers fairly constant but comments way down here on the blog - (a big thank you to those who talk to me still!).

I want to think a little about how this is affecting us/me.

I am reading Gina Millers book Rise the subtitle of which is Life Lessons in Speaking Out, Standing Tall & Leading The Way. Isn't that interesting in these times?

When I first started blogging someone said to write about one subject at a time, and one aspect of that subject at a time and on the whole I think I do that, but today I am all over the place, and definitely using too many exclamation marks. :-)

How are you finding yourself responding to conditions where you are?

19 Comments

Mary

29/10/2020 04:27:18 pm

Since I am more or less working full time with my 6 yr old GS and his virtual schooling, there doesn't seem much time to think about anything except keeping him engaged and on task. Things will change a bit in a couple of weeks--he'll be starting hybrid classes--in school every other week; alternate week with me virtual schooling, but cannot honestly say my life will change a great deal (except I won't have to get up in the dark--changing school hours to 10-4). Frankly, there is no place I want to go here as the status of the virus varies greatly from county to county, as does the behavior of some. Who knows what this country will be like post-election--another worry currently roaming my brain. Learning to simply be content with whatever the day brings.

Freda

30/10/2020 04:56:25 pm

It sounds as if your days are very full Mary - perhaps that means less time to worry? The election is very much on our minds too. Take care!

Susan

30/10/2020 01:22:06 am

I'm glad for your invigorating day out, Freda.
Even the rain, coursing through the bus window is enlivening.

I, too, am so grateful for what people, safely, enable us to do, and am letting them know. They are appreciating it.

Hang on in there, Freda. We're still here. Just a bit frazzled.
I would write something more intelligent but haven't yet had sufficient morning tea.

Freda

30/10/2020 05:00:20 pm

Tea-hee. Perfectly intelligent susan and much appreciated!

Gwendoline

30/10/2020 02:26:40 am

I was delighted (literally my feelings were lightened) to read about your trip out.

It would not have occurred to me to criticise. You were as safe as you could be, you were cognizant of the risks and behaved decorously with respect to them. In other words you were being a responsible adult. Seriously, any situation can only be met in this way. I hope that the lovely day you got is one that you can continue to enjoy. It is yours and you earned it. Good on you.

Fates willing, my bubble-mate and I are having a (very little) trip next week. I am glad that I can appreciate how precious these little gleams can be.

Freda

30/10/2020 05:04:34 pm

The rarity of these occasions does make us appreciate and savour them in every detail and I hope you enjoy yours as much as I enjoyed mine.(No more apologising from responsible adult me!)

Grace

30/10/2020 07:27:44 am

You are so right to take advantage of what limited freedom there still is and you are clearly respecting all the guidelines. I think a lot of people are self-imposing restrictions unnecessarily. Life is for living and our inner well-being is so important.

Freda

30/10/2020 05:06:53 pm

My inner well being was so fortified by this! I am still buoyant a couple of days later. Thanks Grace.

Sheena

30/10/2020 08:19:27 am

It sounds a lovely day out with many things to enjoy (gorgeous table arrangements) and going out to something which gives you pleasure while abiding by all the current rules should never be apologised for. In fact it can be turned around as all the people working to enable your good day would be fairly miserable if no-one at all had ventured out.
I can understand this strange lassitude and disinclination to engage but I do try and resist it and have managed to complete some projects that were always going to be done when I had the time. There is satisfaction in that but perhaps not the lift to the spirits that a lovely day out brings.

Freda

30/10/2020 05:11:47 pm

I did get an almost immediate delighted response to my email to the organisers, so was very glad I sent it. It is as you suggest a very good time for getting many mundane tasks done but we so badly want some fun and thrills and adventures too!!

Lucille

30/10/2020 09:31:19 am

I’m sorry you felt hesitant about describing a lovely day out.
I found it very encouraging. I have definitely found reasons not to go out to any organised indoor events but do at least get out for long walks in the countryside and that has always been my preferred activity. Not one for shopping in shops or eating out much and even the cinema has long been a source of discomfort because of people’s normal times’ behaviour! I do miss exhibitions though and will try to make an effort to find some to support.
I am working on silencing runaway fictitious internal conversations that fill periods of solitude. They are often critical/defensive and take on a life of their own! I’m sure they are a side effect of trying to work out and justify ones (largely exemplary) behaviour in relation to rules about restrictions. We have had our autonomy severely curtailed and the fight back has to go somewhere.

Susan

30/10/2020 10:23:48 am

I appreciate your mention of a feeling of push-back against the restrictions in our lives, Lucille.
I notice in myself, an oscillation between feelings of compliant lassitude and anarchic rebellion.
Singing very loudly to radio 3, and dancing very wildly to 6 Music seem to help me with both.

Lucille

30/10/2020 03:08:00 pm

Yes I recognise that oscillation too. It hasn’t resulted in any obvious outward manifestation - yet!

Freda

30/10/2020 05:17:18 pm

Brilliant response!

Freda

30/10/2020 05:16:11 pm

Well put Lucille. The internal dialogues with my various selves are exhausting and completely counterproductive. Thank you so much for this.

Rosemary

30/10/2020 01:34:02 pm

Thank you for your truly helpful attempts to take us along with you. There cannot be many people looking at your blog who are not gladdened by the uplifting images you post, the ideas you share and the strong spirit with which you do all this. I guess it was Burgh House in Dunoon, was it, where you saw and photographed those touching carvings, and the joyful table decorations.

Freda

30/10/2020 05:24:53 pm

Yes, the Burgh Hall in Dunoon does some super work for all people in the community - from meals during lockdown, young peoples theatre and music, to unique exhibitions (including Mapplethorpee, Warhol and Degas) to nursery children's parades...inspiring. (You can read a bit about them in the link at the bottom of the exhibition post)

Freda

30/10/2020 05:26:43 pm

Thank you all so much for the intelligent and insightful comments. You are brilliant and your comments are the lifeblood of this blog!

Liz

2/11/2020 01:32:28 am

I love this old BBC Thought for the day:
Making Music With What Remains
.
The Israeli violinist Yitzhak Perlman contracted polio at the age of 4. Ever since, he has had to wear metal braces on his legs and walk with crutches, yet he became one of the great virtuosos of our time.

On one occasion, the story is told, he came out onto the stage at a concert to play a violin concerto. Laying down his crutches, he placed the violin under his chin and began tuning the instrument when, with an audible crack, one of the strings broke. The audience were expecting him to send for another string, but instead he signalled the conductor to begin, and he proceeded to play the concerto entirely on three strings.

At the end of the performance the audience gave him a standing ovation and called on him to speak. What he said, so the story goes, was this: “Our task is to make music with what remains.” That was a comment on more than a broken violin string. It was a comment on his paralysis and on all that is broken in life.

Happiness, these lives seem to say, is not the absence of suffering but the ability to take its fractured discords and turn them into music that rescues from the darkest regions of the soul a haunting yet humanizing beauty.

Simply..agoraphobia?

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