...about bereavement from Helen Macdonal,. author of H Is For Hawk

She said you don't 'get over it' but 'You slowly become a new person able to hold the grief and love within yourself and continue.'

Some of you will have found as I did that all the time alone during lockdown brought the pain of the loss all back again. I found myself the other day taking out two knives and forks to set the table, and among some papers I was looking through was a card with a beautiful message which Barry had bought to give to me.

You don't get over it, but you do continue..

My heart goes out as I ex[ect yours does, to those who have been bereaved through lockdown and who have to cope alone without the comfort of a funeral and family and friends. So very hard.

During lockdown I noticed I was talking to myself more.

Did you?

I also talked to people who have died (quite common I believe).

And as I mentioned recently, to people on programmes I listen to or watch.

But when I found myself talking to the ironong board - 'Well I suppose I should put you away I said to it - I thought it's time to pull myself together and get out more!

This week I will be visiting two friends in their gardens and talking face to face! So exciting.


As I write this I realise that part of the importance to me of comments on this blog, especially during lockdown, is the sense they give me that I am not just talking to myself! That the blog is a real conversation with like-minded people. That I am listening as well as talking. That is's an exchange and not a monologue.

Love it.

It has helped keep me sane during this weird time.

It goes a long way to filling my well.

Thank you all so much.

 
Many of us have been for weeks on end thrown entirely upon our own inner resources, and my little crisis of confidence came about I think because mine were quite depleted.

Self doubt creeps in. I have become so aware of how important casual so-called
'small talk' is. Human connection at a very simple level: a few inconsequential words, the touch of a hand, a perfunctory hug - things you may not even notice until they are missing.

Julia Cameron in The Artist's Way talks of filling the well, and I have realised how much seeing different things fills my well. On the once weekly trip to the nearest sipermarket my eyes are on stalks! They greedily take in the way the light on the water is different at the next village, and different again on the more enclosed Holy Loch. The road verges vary on different stretches where they are in woodland or in the open, next to the shore or being cut by the council. A glimpse of the higher mountains to the north is exciting, and as we approach the town I see the changes in the gardens in just one week.

What fills the well for you?

Things have gone a bit flat here these last few wet and windy days..

And so did I!!

You have given me lots to think about in your comments - do give me a day or two to reply...

I am the kind of person who thrives on plans and challenges and deadlines, but as we all know it's hard to plan in a pandemic!

However Part One of my new plan  (see yesterday's post) got off to a good start this morning and gave impetus to my day. I did one round of the Wim Hof breathing method before I got up. It gives me an instant little burst of energy and is really no effort at all. I did dry skin brushing before my shower - very pleasant and I find my skin needs no creams or lotions if I do this regularly. Two routines which just make me feel good.

So, if Part One is gradually and selectively re-introducing good habits, Part Two is identifying the things which invigorate me. I got the idea from Gwendoline's comment on this recent post.

I thought if something so simple invigorated me for at least half an hour (and gave me pleasure whenever I looked at it for the rest of the day), what else could I be doing to get this feeling several times each day? In the absence of outings and meetings with friends and live music and exhibitions it will have to be more domestic, local things.  Preferably not online, wonderful though that can be. I want real rather than virtual.

Walking round the garden with that first cup of tea works on a nice morning, provided I focus on what is new and beautiful and not on the work that needs doing!

I am making a little mental list.

What would be on yours?

This is my default question.

Ask What would be simplest and just do it.

So, admit I am struggling, count my blessings and keep going...

Accept.

I've just remembered this -

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

It's pretty good isn't it!

Today I will paint over the stain on the bedroom ceiling where the roof leaked, and make a coffee and walnut cake in anticipation of the exciting prospect of having actual visitors. May it be soon.

Warm virtual hugs.

X

Here are a few quotes from Wintering by Katherine May which made me think it is a good book to read just now, in lockdown.

The subtitle is How I learned to flourish when life became frozen.

It (Winter) is a fallow period in life when you are cut off from the world...Perhaps you are in a period of transition and have temporarily fallen between two worlds... However it arrives winter is usually involuntary, lonely and deeply painful.

Experiencing illness the author says. I am also being forcibly reminded that this is some kind of a gateway into a new phase in my life...I'm worried that its about doing less, about staying home and giving up on adventures for a while. That's not something I want to learn.

That last bit so resonates with me!

Its a good read, slow paced and thoughtful, though she has an apologetic tone which, if it continues (I am at page 131 - about halfway) might get a bit irritating..



Here in Scotland a second day with no reported deaths from coronavirus gives us hope, and a garden visit from family lifted my spirits more than they know. I felt like a great weight had been lifted from me.

I have spent most of the day reading The Salt Path by Raynor Winn who knows how to tell a good story!  I have really taken to this daft couple and their rash adventure.. Poignant and laugh-out-loud funny, I've not been so entertained by a book for ages.  (Thank you Cath!)

Lots of normally avid readers are saying they are not reading during lockdown. They are finding it difficult to focus, or just can't find the right book, or are too distracted by the news.

What's your experience? And have you any recommendations?

I think I may be burning some midnight oil with this one...

It's oriental poppy time.

Loving What Is by Byron Katie has been a really influential book for me. Her Four Questions and Turaround apply to almost any situation, including the current one, and I find they clarify my thinking.

Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts here. It's comforting when other people echo your own thoughts and illuminating and inspiring to find new ways of looking at things. It becomes an interesting conversation which I think is this blog at it's best!

Strategy as well as meaning goal setting and  long term planning can also mean adapting to new circumstances, which is what we are all having to do.  A dear friend going through difficult times said she felt all at sea and to simply heave to until the tide changes, the wind picks up or the fog lifts and the way ahead can be seen more clearly could be a very wise strategy. We're all in uncharted waters, to extend the metaphor!

My strategy is to give my undivided attention to the garden.

(I have stopped moving furniture and playing Mozart very loud, which I have come to realise is what I tend to do in a crisis.)

The garden is maturing and changing and is in need of proper tlc. It is one of the few things I do where I am not thinking of other things at the same time which will be a very good thing, and since Barry died it has been a bit neglected, though superficially pretty and colourful and has given me huge pleasure.

..with plenty of time to contemplate nature.

It has gone very quiet here on the blog too!

I hope you are all well and copiing.

Thanks Mary for this link about Venice.

..and so happy to have done Katrina's online retreat!

More about it tomorrow...

Have you tried to do your best all your life? Have you worked hard? Have you always done your utmost for your family? Have you considered other people and tried to be helpful? Have you been through some very difficult times and survived? Have you tried to fulfill your potential? Are you politically aware? Do you try to be a good citizen? Do you support good causes? Do you take your responsibilities seriously? Do you strive to make ethical choices? Do you push yourself to be productive? Or creative?

Are you pretty stressed right now?

I wonder, could you just quietly and maybe without telling anyone, cut yourself a bit of slack/give yourself a gap week or month or year/let the world spin without you for a while/step back a bit/switch off - literally and/or metaphorically/go awol and simply watch the world turning and the seasons changing....just until coronavirus runs its course?

Would the sky fall in do you think?

Would anyone even notice?

Just a thought..

:-)


PS. Recipe for coffee and walnut cake tomorrow.

They simply can;t lockdown everything....

Graffiti in Venice

..is so helpful!

I hesitated to write about my difficult feelings in the last few posts.  Like most people perhaps, I am trying to put a brave face on things,  acknowledge that I am one of the lucky ones, accept that these are unprecedented times and so on and so forth, but.....denying one's true feelings can lead to depression I think, and I know others must be feeling similarly about the loss of freedom and real contact with those they love.

My friend Anna's beautiful funeral service was videod by her family (several of whom are in lockdown in other countries) and sent out to her many friends. I watched it today with tears streaming down my face, grateful for the technology which made it possible and for the skill with which it was done.

I washed my hair (third home haircut now) and changed out of my gardening clothes for my birthday video call with the family.  I put on a bright shirt and a necklace, and felt better for it.

I cooked myself Risotto di asparagi e scampi - not as good as Heather's but good all the same.

Am spending the evening answering all your kind and interesting comments. My heart is full.

Today I realised that what I am feeling is deeply sad.

It actually took a bit of thinking to realise that sadness is my dominant emotion right now. Just naming it has somehow been helpful.  I am very much a 'glass half full' kind of person and if I feel a bit down can usually talk myself out of it, but this sadness can't be talked away and no amount of distracting activity seems to assuage it.

Like grief perhaps, I just have to learn to live alongside it.

I am sad for all the people who are suffering, and who will suffer, and whomI feel I should be helping.

It's an emotional time - do you know what your feelings are? Have you named them? Would it help?

Trying to make the diffcult decision about Venice I found myself looking for signs.  On the seat of the otherwise empty bus was a bottle of antibacterial hand gel which is in short supply in local shops! Was it a sign?

In the Burgh Hall was an exhibition by a Signwriter called Frank Carty and this one struck a chord.. Could it be a message?

I'm not really making light of it - people are dying and many thousands of lives are being affected - but 81% of people who test positive for the coronavirus do not need any treatment at all.....the death rate appears to be 1-2% and 0.1% of Italian towns are affected.

March is my writing month, and I can do this work anywhere. We have put off the decision until the last minute and are listening of course, to the advice from The Foreign and Commonwealth Office.

I read with interest this blog post and the two most recent posts on Venezia blog and the interview with Sars expert Dr Sarah Borwein, which encourages caution while warning against panic, and I've marvelled at live web cams of quiet Venice in the sunshine today.

Is anyone else having to reconisider their travel plans?

I am looking back at this post as I ponder the option of whether or not to go.


NB   I may not be blogging for a few days!

I want to work again but have I got time?

I have been rethinking some practical things which take up a lot of my time and energy.

I pay someone to cut the grass and hedges now. I have withdrawn from the Open Gardens scheme as I can no longer keep the garden to that high standard. I feed the birds with only one feeder fixed to the window. I pay to have the outside of the windows washed once a month.

My late hustband (first time I have used that phrase - he was actually never late!) did a lot around the place. He cooked, shopped when he went swimiming which was three times a week, he gardened and stacked wood and brought in logs and fixed things and set mouse traps and took things to the recycling. When I could no longer drive because of my eye condition he drove me to the ferry and was there to meet me when I came back, and willingly took me wherever I wanted to go, he delivered paintings to galleries and, and, and....

I now do the work of two people. I am not feeling sorry for myself I am just saying that's how it is. That's the reality.

These are the practicalities. I haven't mentioned the fun outings, the shared meals and coffee breaks, the conversations, the love and the laughter. But that's a whole other story.

The point I want to make is that Barry generously gave me time to paint and to write. I want to paint again and have committed myself to a solo exhibition, so I must figure out how to get back to work and keep the house and garden going.

Something will have to give.

When circumstances change we have to change too.

Barry would also have got rid of that dead mouse in the cupboard! And climbed into the loft to find the source of the mysterious stain on the bedroom ceiling.

Off to do it now!

Any practical tips from readers who have experienced big changes in their circumstances most welcome....it is truly amazing how adaptable we are, don't you think?

At last!

I am remembering the sunshine this time last year in New Zealand! What a treat that was.

Maybe future Februaries should be spent somewhere sunny...

It's still January!

There is still time to do January/beginning of the new year things - refresh, reset, renew, retreat, reinvent, reconsider, revive...

I took a few days retreat to myself after coming back from my trip to the cities. I'm lucky I can plan my own time but if you have a busy life/home/work schedule can you find an hour, an evening. a day or a weekend to have to yourself?

All those re- words! Meaning again. (It's Never Too Late To Start Again is the title of a good book by Julia Cameron).

Refresh

What needs refeshing? The water in the flower vase? The paintwork? Your memory? My wardrobe needs refreshing.

Reset

I wish I could reset my sleep pattern to sleep at the same time as the rest of the world!  It would be so convenient. I am working on it. A Wim Hof Breathing Method and Meditation video helped before bed last night
What would you like to reset, and how will you do it?

Renew

A subscription? I need to renew the back of the shed and my travel insurance.  This is turning into a to-do list! But I don't mean it that way - I am just thinking of it as a prompt for slightly different ways of looking at things. You might also renew your commitment to something. Or to someone.

Retreat

Since I went on Katrina's marvellous retreat in January 2017 I have realised the value of retreating from the everyday, and intend to explore it even more. (See Katrina's blog here). There are humdreds of types of retreats or you can just invent your own.

Reinvent

Not the wheel please - is there any area in your life where you are doing that? We can reinvent ourselves to a degree. When I found the courage to call myself an artist my life changed. When I stopped calling myself a wimp I got stronger.

Reconsider

Sometimes I have to reconsider what's feasible, or a decision I've made which I am unsure about.

Revive

As nature miraculously revives the garden I have to revive my interest in caring for it.  Perhaps you would like to revive an old interest - something you loved to do as a child? Something you love that's got crowded out?

Maybe one of these words speaks to you.

As a beautiful finale to the festive season we went to Scottish Ballet's The Snow Queen last night.
(Scroll down on their webpage for excerpts with the wonderful Rimsky Korsakov music.)

Even the journey there was magical with snow on the Arrocher Alps and there was bright frost and moonlight on the way home over the Rest and Be Thankful.

I am both rested and very thankful!  I watched the ballet all over again at breakfast - it's on BBC iPlayer. I was able to see all the detail I couldn't see very well in the theatre.

Wonderful.

I've been writing about feeling a bit nervous about my plans for 2020.

Among other things I plan to finish editing my novel, live for a month in Venice, and start work on a big solo exhibition. 15 - 20  large paintings. Date is being decided....

No pressure then, as they say!

Gulp.

Strong is my word for 2020.

Sometimes I don't .feel strong. Sometimes I scare myself with the ideas I come up with!

Like when I had my first exhibition.

I was working at beautiful Beningbrough Hall and looked at an exhibition of paintings in the gallery there and thought I could do that. (I hadn't painted for years.) So I went to the administrator and said, diffidently, Do you think maybe I could have an exhibition here one day? Vaguely thinking a year or eighteen months away, knowing the gallery got booked way ahead. There's just been a cancellation for August - I'll put you down said Ray. This was May.

I came down the stairs from that office feeling a bit shaky and thinking What have I just done?

The exhibition was a great success and I painted and exhibited for the next twenty years.

Can you think of a time when you were thrown in at the deep end, or  jumped in yourself as I did,  and found that actually you could swim?

Scary, but exciting...

It takes a little, sometimes a lot. of courage to make a new start, write on a fresh page. paint on a blank canvas.

Today I slowly took down the Christmas decorations - it always makes me a little sad. I had a very comfortable and cosy time preparing for the festive season - it felt like a time to indulge myself and relax, to take it easy, to just be. I am replacing the Christmas things with other winter decorations - I still want that hygge feeling and the weather is dull and wet and the days are still short and dark.

I have some big plans for 2020 and I'm feeling a bit nervous about them today. Will I find the energy? Have I over committed myself? What if....Self doubt creeps in - no, rushes in!

I couldn't think quite how to finish this post, and as I was scrolling down through the categories to decide which one to put it under, I realised some answers to my fears were in there.

Let me explain. I started from the top of the list -

Live Simply - well yes, I need to remember that is what I am trying to do. That grounds me a little.
Simply Beautiful. I do have some beautiful ideas for 2020.
Simply Bin It.  Could I just throw some of my fearful thoughts in the bin?
Simply Chill. Yes, I need to chill by doing something else for a bit (I listened to Private Passions BBC Radio 3)
Simply Christmas. Well I am saying goodbye to Christmas 2019 which was lovely, so of course I feel a bit sad.
Simply Do A Good Deed. I could distract myself by thinking of one....

By the time I had got down the list I was already feeling better! 

Perhaps this strategy would work for you if you need to change your mood/restore your confidence/find a way out of a mild panic? 

I'd love to think so...(the list is on the sidebar).

I finally filed  the post under Simply Live, because that is what we must do with 2020.

Live it to the full.

Have you heard of G bombs?

It's a list of foods to boost your body's immune system. I keep it in my purse and make sure I buy something from every category when I am food shopping.

G greens
B beans
O onions
M mushrooms
B berries
S seeds

Do you have any other tips for avoiding the dreaded lurgie?

Mary mentioned hand washing, which I have to confess to forgetting quite often. As children we had to wash our hands before every meal. Wiping doorhandles and light switches with disinfectant now and then is probably a good idea too. While travelling on public transport can be a hazard with people coughing and sneezing, being out in the open air going for it maybe counteracts the risks! Though city air may be a risk in itself....